Thursday, 9 June 2016

Existential (mostly) Pre-Birthday Bants

In an ever decreasing number of weeks I shall be turning 29. 29, you say. Tis neither here nor there, say I.

In the above sentence, here loosely translates as being a fully functional adult woman while there means 30.

I ponder my current sitch while waiting for the ever elusive 215 to Blackrock. Sticky with suncream (eugh), plus my arse is solidly welded to a bench by what I can only hope is melty week old chewing gum. Once again, I chastise 18 year old me for not buying a Punto and terrorising fully licenced family members while I had the chance. I'm way too long in the tooth and short in the wallet to bother with that driving nonsense now.

215 to Mahon ....41mins

In an effort to wile away the minutes before my white (and red) motorised steed arrives to spirit me back from whence I came, I break out turning 29 into pros and cons.

*Sidenote: I think the homeless man next to me is performing an exorcism (on me) or a hex (also on me).

215 to Mahon ....34mins

I do beg your pardon, but I had to leave my bench (and coincidentally my week old melty bum gum) behind. The homeless man's incantations had reached town crier-esque volumes so I thought it best to beat a hasty retreat.

215 to Mahon ....(somehow still) 34mins

  1. I have no squad goalz. My squad is complete and has been for some time. My squad game is flawless. 
  2. I've learned that adding 'z' instead of 's' to make words plural makes me effortlessly current. Please see above.
  3. I'm above trends. I smile smugly to myself as others trip over themselves to wear/eat/say the latest thing. 
  4. I don't wear bras and/or makeup on a regular basis. Sometimes even for prolonged periods in public. 
  5. I've overcome the majority of my personal demons and those I haven't I've learned to deal with. 
  6. I know I am not perfect but I am ABSOLUTELY certain that I am in fact fabulous in every way imaginable.
  7. I am more confident in my decision making skills...despite years of proof that I probably shouldn't be. 
  8. The above also means I am much less anxious about the aftermath of aforementioned decision making. Once again, this is despite years of proof that I probably shouldn't be.  
215 to Mahon ....31mins


  1. My ovaries legit hi-jack my brain every time a cute baby passes my line of vision.
  2. Still can't spell the words rhythm or  tomorrow without pausing to see if they are spelled correctly. 
Bus Arrives

Cons continued:

3. I'm still single. Not the end of the world and it is mostly my own fault. I basically want a friend who passes the shower test. P.S. All my friends are successful rides who are gas!
P.P.S. Shower test: Someone passes the shower test when you can imagine them naked in the shower and it is neither weird nor unappealing. 

Passes Anglesea St. Garda Station

4. I haven't written a script of any kind yet. Theatrical, Java or otherwise. Must do it this year. 
5. I couldn't drive a nail, let alone 'a dinky second hand sporty number' or whatever it is young road users say these days. I'd rather lick a splintery table for eternity than learn how to drive. 

Passes St. Fionbarrs Hospital

All in all, I'm still pretty much the same as 25 year old me. I just give less of a shit about you and more of a shit about myself. About bloody time too, I hear you say. *Future me nods encouragingly at this imaginary statement. 

I've replaced Buckfast (it's technically a wine) with Prosecco and McFlurry's with dark chocolate ganache sundaes. I still have no idea what I'll be like when I grow up and I'm more ok with that the older I get. 

*Slams notebook closed with aplomb and swishes off the bus. Slowly realises she got off the bus 3 stops early. Breathes deeply, hikes bag over shoulder and makes sweaty ascent to Blackrock. 

In the wise words of 'da mudder': Once a gobshite, always a gobshite - no matter the birthday being celebrated. *I believe it is her own personal version of  Shakespears' iconic 'A rose by any other name, would smell as sweet'.