Friday, 4 September 2009


Well, the catalyst of my latest rabid ranting is the carpet munching (FYI- not meant as a derogatory reference to lesbianism but should be taken literally as a reference to someone who dines on household textiles) Gillian Mckeith. If you are one of the fortunate few who have not been subjected to the evil workings of this emaciated scot. I am, apologetically, going to blast this blissful ignorance to pieces. This 'Gillian' a.k.a G.I Ginger, is the host of the car-crashesque viewing that is ' you are what you eat'. This show basically documents G.I Ginger bullying unsuspecting fatties into stepping away from their best friend - the fork. She does this through a combination of emotional blackmail and outright violence. She beats her subjects into feeling ashamed by piling the worlds tiniest dining table sky high with the worlds largest Jambons, telling the onlooker - 'this is what you have consumed in the last five seconds....mentally...its totally gross...are you trying to kil yourself?....then the demented dowager hides out in their fridges rationing their daily calorie intake to 2 peas and a goji berry, all the while shouting anti-obesity slurs through her smoothie induced lunacy. Suddenly, when you think things cant get any more bizarre the hag steals her victim's poo and shoves it in their faces on national television like some crazed super villain (I was thinking along the lines of faeces fiend). This not only has no scientific reasoning behind it but is extremely uncomfortable to watch. Now my rant is coming to an end I would like to address my closing lines to the lentil leper herself....Gillian..just have a ham sandwich.....go on...please....I promise it will make you happy..and just to avoid any confusion...happiness is that foreign emotion you so often stomp out of the souls of your chosen chubbies, it brings about a muscle contraction in the facial region which is more commonly known as a looks a little like your ' Im about to pass wind face', you know, the one you have permanently etched on your face from all that wholegrain, organic cardboard you eat.